I want to believe. I really want to see things the way everyone else does, the way the scriptures and the teachers say it is. It’s just that I have this nagging niggle of doubt all the time in the background of my mind, never quite letting me believe completely.
It does makes sense. That God chose the Jews as his special people, which explains how in our glorious past we used to win every battle and overcome worshippers of other gods. That the reward for worshipping God and obeying his laws was a peaceful and prosperous life on earth. But then we suffered persecution, were driven into exile, had our lands invaded. Why? It makes perfect sense that these were all punishments for disobeying God’s laws.
But we are still God’s chosen people, so it also makes sense that one day he will accept the prayers and sacrifices we offer, forgive the wrongs we have done and put things right. It makes sense that he will descend to earth, drive out our enemies and establish a new kingdom for us here before taking us up to the heavens to live with him forever. Otherwise what’s the point of worshipping him, keeping his laws and being a good Jew?
So, I want to believe and it makes sense to do so, even though my doubts will not entirely go away. And I really think Jesus has the abilities and the passion to become a successful leader, if he sticks at it and doesn’t get distracted, and I really want to do everything I can to make his mission succeed.
That is why I am going to become Jesus’ campaign manager, so that when all these things do happen and God comes to save us, I will be at the side of the leader who God will turn to. And God will forgive me for doubting him. Not that I do.
And anyway, it’s not as if I’m giving everything up. I can manage the campaign in my spare time, helping out my best friend and repaying him for the support he has given me over the years. And if the end doesn’t actually come and Jesus abandons his mission after a few months, there’s no harm done.